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Parenting comes with countless joys, but also its fair share of challenges—one of the biggest being the difficult conversations we inevitably must have with our children. Whether it's discussing relationships, social and political realities, loss, or personal struggles, these moments can feel daunting. However, avoiding them does more harm than good. When we delay or sidestep tough topics, we leave space for misinformation or undesirable influences to shape our children’s understanding. Instead, we should approach these conversations with openness, honesty, and compassion. The "birds and the bees" conversation is probably the most feared one, with parents either passing it on to each other, or just hoping that their children will come into a mature understanding of issues related to sex and relationships on their own. After all, these social interactions are as natural as language and walking, right? Wrong. While the mechanics of the interactions are 'natural' as social-beings our young humans need guidance and necessary context for understanding such important topics within the context of the societies and social expectations within which they live. Here are some steps to make having challenging conversations more manageable, but not necessarily less challenging.
Navigating Challenging Conversations
Difficult topics require careful thought and sensitivity, but they are necessary for raising well-adjusted and emotionally intelligent children. The key is to create a safe and open environment where your kids feel comfortable coming to you with their questions and concerns. Here are a few guiding principles:
1. Start Early and Be Proactive
Waiting until your child stumbles upon a subject in an uncontrolled setting can lead to confusion and mistrust. Whether it’s discussing puberty, consent, or mental health, introduce these topics in age-appropriate ways before they become urgent. Start first with having ordinary conversations about topics that are interesting and initiated by your child. A child who feels comfortable talking to you is more likely to talk to you when they need critical guidance.
2. Be Honest but Age-Appropriate
You don’t have to give every detail all at once, but you should provide enough information to satisfy curiosity while ensuring your child understands the key messages. Keep explanations simple when they’re young and expand as they mature. Let your child probe you for information. Do not treat every conversation as an opportunity to dump all that you know about the topic to your child. If your response is longer than 2-minutes know that your child is likely to be latching onto 30 seconds at most.
3. Encourage Open Dialogue
Make sure your child knows they can come to you with anything, without fear of judgment or punishment. Use active listening—nod, make eye contact, and acknowledge their feelings. Sometimes, just being heard is as important as receiving an answer. Everyone likes to know that they are being listened to. While it may seem weird at first, in your next conversation with your child instead of rushing to provide solutions and opinions, repeat or summarize in one statement what your child just told you, and make it sound like a question. Then wait a few seconds. They will confirm and likely expand on their response, giving you more context into their concern and their request.
4. Ask Open-Ended Questions
Instead of giving lectures, ask your child what they already know or how they feel about certain topics. This helps you understand their perspective and correct any misconceptions gently. Providing your child with solutions and opinions is quick and easy but it does not activate the two biggest muscles in the body, the heart and the brain. Instead, gently and honestly ask your child questions that will help them explore their thoughts, state their opinions and challenge their own views on the topic. Your child will learn critical thinking skills that will serve them well in decision making when you are absent.
5. Admit When You Don’t Have All the Answers
It’s okay to say, “I don’t know, but let’s find out together.” This models humility and teaches your child that learning is a lifelong process. Your child needs to see you as a human being, fallible and insufficient. They will be more forgiving of you when you make mistakes and apologize if they know that you are not all knowing and perfect. They will also be kinder in their own vulnerabilities if they see you model vulnerability with them.
6. Create a Judgment-Free Space
Avoid shaming or dismissing their feelings, even if they seem trivial to you. What might seem like a small concern to an adult could feel overwhelming to a child or teen. Your child should see you as a soft-landing-space. If your child is afraid to bring difficult situations and decisions to you they will attempt to handle it with their limited tools, or they are likely to take it to their similarly limited peers, or persons who whose values may not match yours.
7. Keep the Conversation Going
These discussions shouldn’t be one-time events. Revisit topics as your child grows, ensuring they always feel comfortable discussing complex issues with you. Even before your child spoke their first words as a father you were engaging their cute cooing and babbling, and you welcomed their first words with jubilation. That first "da da" sticks to your ribs like a satisfying meal. Do the intentional work of engaging and encouraging conversation with your child with the same excitement and joy for their first words.
The Power of Communication
Difficult conversations aren't just about sharing knowledge—they're about building trust, fostering resilience, and deepening your connection with your child - they prepare your child for successfully navigating a difficult but beautiful and complex world. Don't send them out unprepared. When children know they can talk to their parents about tough topics, they are better equipped to make informed decisions and face life's challenges with confidence.
One day, we may not be here, but if we're fortunate, we won't lose our children along the way. Our goal is to give them the tools they need to navigate this beautiful, sometimes challenging, life. The wonderful thing is that one of the most powerful tools for a fulfilling life is the ability to have open, honest conversations.
COPYRIGHT 2024 BY DR. ALVIN THOMAS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. THIS MATERIAL MAY NOT BE PUBLISHED, BROADCAST, REWRITTEN OR REDISTRIBUTED WITHOUT WRITTEN PERMISSION.
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