How Can I Be a Father If I Never Had One?

Feb 34 min read

Updated: Feb 6

Imagine this: one day, you get a call — “Hey babe, I’m pregnant.”

A surge of emotions rushes through you. Your palms get sweaty, your heart pounds, and your mind races. You feel excited, nervous, and overjoyed all at once. But then, a thought creeps in from the depths of your insecurities — “I don’t know how to be a father. I can't be responsible for another human being.”

Your only examples of fatherhood are the dads from your favorite '90s sitcoms, and your Uncle Sebastien of course, who tried his best but had his own struggles. You feel unprepared, like you’re stepping into fatherhood with an empty reservoir and no tools to guide you.

And now? You’re scared. But, you’re not alone.

The Reality of Father Absence

In the United States, 1 in 4 children—approximately 18.4 million—live without a biological, step, or adoptive father in the home, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. This physical absence is even more pronounced in some communities. For instance, 57% of Black children live in homes without their biological fathers, compared to 31% of Hispanic children and 20% of White children. This should not be interpreted to mean that the fathers are uninvolved in the children's lives though. Many of these fathers remain actively involved and psychologically present for their children, but that's another post. Still, father absence is linked to numerous challenges for children, including higher rates of poverty, behavioral issues, and academic struggles.

For those who grew up without fathers, the absence can leave a lingering void and questions about how to parent effectively. However, your past does not define your future as a parent. Here are research-backed strategies to help you navigate fatherhood, even if you lack a role model from your upbringing.

Practical Tips for First-Time Fathers

1. Find a Fatherhood Mentor

A fatherhood mentor can offer you guidance, encouragement, and a welcoming environment for your questions. This might be an uncle, a friend, or even someone in your community who you admire as a father. Organizations like the Black Fatherhood Network provide opportunities where men can share experiences, challenges, and advice. Mentors can help you process your concerns and provide insights into the practical and emotional aspects of raising a child.

2. Join a Fatherhood Community

No man is an island, self-contained. No one should father alone. Joining a community of fathers can provide you with a network of support and resources. Groups like local fatherhood initiatives, faith-based organizations, or online communities such as the National Fatherhood Initiative, Fathers Incorporated, and the Black Fatherhood Network offer workshops, meet-ups, kids sporting events and forums for advice. These communities can provide camaraderie and help you feel less isolated in your journey.

3. Educate Yourself

Parenting is a skill, and like any skill, it can be learned. Books such as The New Father: A Dad’s Guide to the First Year by Armin Brott or Strength of a Father by Kenneth Braswell can ground and affirm fathers in their fatherhood journey while celebrating culture, resilience, and legacy. Podcasts like The Black Fathers' Pulse and online courses can also offer tips and strategies tailored to modern fatherhood.

4. Seek Professional Help

Growing up without a father can leave emotional scars that may impact your ability to parent effectively. Speaking with a therapist or counselor can help you address unresolved feelings and build healthier emotional habits. Therapy isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s an investment in your ability to be the best father you can be.

5. Focus on Presence, Not Perfection

Research shows that a father’s emotional involvement is more important than financial contributions or even the amount of time spent together. Listening to your child, being present for milestones, and showing love through your actions matter most. Don’t let the fear of doing it wrong stop you from doing your best.

Remember: You Are Doing the Work

Breaking the cycle of father absence (physical or psychological) is no small task, but it is absolutely possible. The fact that you are reading this, seeking advice, and reflecting on your role as a father shows that you are committed to doing the work. You are not doomed to repeat the patterns of your upbringing. In fact, your awareness and effort give you an incredible opportunity to create a new legacy for your child.

Fatherhood is a journey, not a destination. It’s about showing up, learning from your mistakes, and striving to be better each day. Not having a father does not automatically make you a bad one—it simply means you’ll need to find your own path. And by taking steps to educate yourself, seek support, and engage with your child, you are already on your way to being the father your child needs. Also, if you are reading and sharing this, something tells me you are on the right path.

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